I woke up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - as though something bad was going to happen. You see, sometimes I have dreams... and sometimes they really come true. Although this has only happened three times - it has been significant. For example, I dreamed the 35W bridge collapsed only a few days before it did. Not even kidding. So today when I woke up from a bad dream, it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Praise God that my dream didn't come true today, but it was the kind of start to a morning that I try to avoid.
Today...
Someone told me who he would be seeing tonight. Upon hearing her name I felt as though the wind was knocked out of me. Literally. There I was, sitting in World Religions unable to do anything except try to breathe. Why? I surely did not expect that feeling upon hearing that. So there I go, pondering what that meant for the next hour and 55 minutes that I sat in class. And by the end of class I still had no idea why it had such an affect on me. Does that mean something?
Today...
My aunt and cousin were in town and I got to hang out with them for the first time in years. It felt so nice. Definitely a refresher on the importance of family in my life. We went to Applebees for dinner, and then we thought we were going to watch a play. Upon arriving, I quickly noticed that this was not merely a play - but rather it was a dinner theatre fundraiser and there I was checking in my coat while I stood in jeans. I a) felt incredibly under dressed and b) could not imagine eating another bite let alone another plate of food! So there my cousin and I were, picking at our food pretending like we were eating. Definitely ate all the green beans and cheesecake, and tomorrow I will fast.
Today...
God tugged even harder at my heart in regards to Canada. I just want to go. And the thing is, there is nothing holding me back. Sure, the conventional way to do things is finish the last 3 semesters that I have, get a job and start paying back school and THEN go to Canada to be at camp. However, my heart is there now. I can't even imagine having to wait that long. So tonight I explored the possibility of going in March. My lease is up at the end of February and lets face it - nobody needs roommates then. I could work full time for two months, and then go up in March. Maybe get a part time job at the new Starbucks in Dryden so I could have interaction with the community. And while we are facing facts - lets face another. Another reason keeping me in the comfort of my life here right now is friends and finding "the man."
But let me clarify, please. I am in no hurry whatsoever to get married now. In fact, I do not want that at all. I've realized lately that I am far too independent to give up my freedom when I am 21, 2 weeks shy of being 22, years old. Forget that. I refuse to have to get permission from my husband to go out with my friends. I refuse to have him tell me that I can't spend my money on the things that I want too. I refuse to have a curfew. I refuse to be controlled at 22 years old. Mom keeps telling me that dad has never once done any of those four things to her, and that there is a guy out there who won't do those things to me, but thats a risk I'm not willing to take. I love my life now. I love freedom. I love being on my own. I just want someone to cuddle with during movies. Someone to laugh with. Someone to take me out to a movie and buy me roses. I am not looking for a ring on the finger, no matter how much I may joke about it. Because honestly, in the scheme of things I am 22 years old. 22. I have my entire life ahead of me, why on earth would I tie myself down now? I want to explore the world. Explore who I am. Do what I want, when I want. Therefore, this is not a marriage plea. But like I said.. lets face it. Camp is isolated - 45 minutes to the nearest town. That makes dating kind of hard. But if this is where God wants me at this moment of my life, then I want to go there and not look back.
Today...
My eyes got opened a little more.
Today...
I learned something new about myself.
Today.
1 comment:
Hunny! I think camp would be such a huge step of faith, like I said before.
And I want you to know I'm praying super hard for you :) I know there's a lot of selfish reasons on my part of wanting you at camp, but I know that God's going to give you a whole bunch of overwhelming peace if that's what he wants you to do. I love you!!!
Post a Comment