MIA

Can you please make up your mind.

This has become an all too familiar feeling.

You step in.

You step out.

You come.

And you go.

All the while my heart is swinging on this pendulum. 

Back and forth.

 

One minute you are there.

The next you are gone.

Uncertainty. 

The moment I feel as though you are here,

You walk away.

MIA. 

How long will this continue?

I just want consistency.

Is that too much to ask?

Step in if you'd like,

Or step out if you want to go.

But please stop dancing all over me. 

Friendship from an Assignment

So there I was walking around Target after work in my yoga pants, bubble grey jacket, weather worn Uggs and my hair tossed up in the messiest pony tail that you've ever seen. I was looking for a checkout when my phone starts blaring from my right pocket. There I am in the middle of the aisle causing a traffic jam as I stop and fiddle trying to find my phone. It's Lilly.

"Girl what are you doing for dinner? Adam has friends in town so he's out with them and I have nothing to do. Wanna grab dinner and then go to Starbucks and work on the interview?" she says in her super overly cheery Lilly voice.

"I would love too, but I can't justify spending money on groceries, Starbucks, AND dinner all in one night. But lets go after I get paid on Monday!" I really wanted to go.

"Oh, you are smart. Okay. Well I'll be at Starbucks in a few hours so maybe I'll see you then!" 

"For sure!"

It wasn't but 10 minutes later and I was home unloading my groceries when I heard my cell phone going off in the other room. I dropped the tomatoes and green beans on the floor and jumped over all my Target sacks dashing towards my bedroom. It's Lilly again. I laughed to myself and answered...

"Okay, so dinner is on me. Lets go!" She says immediately.

"Lilly, I don't want to make you pay! Thats silly."

"Oh come on. We are both hungary and at home bored. We can talk over dinner and go to Starbucks and get some of the interview done! Please. Come on," she pleaded.

"Okay fine. Lets go. But I just got outta the shower and put on grubby clothes so let me change and I'll be there."

"Meet me at Starbucks within the hour and we'll take one car to Panera," she ordered.

"See you then!" 

We spent the next four hours laughing so hard that we were crying. The thing that I love about this friendship is its pure genuineness. We can talk openly about our beliefs and just the way we view the world without worrying that we will step on each others toes or hurt the other persons feelings. I have never felt the need to withhold information or modify my response due to what she may think of me, which is good because I tend to be a people pleaser. We have so much fun, and I really enjoy her friendship.

I knew that this interview assignment was going to be fun, but I have never gained a friendship from an assignment before. 

I am thankful for this. 

Let me keep dreaming

I had a dream last night...

You came in. 

Sat down next to me,

and we talked.

You said you wanted to talk bout everything,

that you'd be the one to bring it up since neither of us wanted too.

We were in class.

We weren't paying attention.

I was so wrapped up in you.

What you were saying.

Hoping for answers.

And then, 

you smiled.

At me.

Grabbed my hand.

And kissed me.

In class.

In front of everyone.

I didn't care.

Oh, the kiss.

So wonderful.

So perfect.

I wanted more.

And then,

I woke up.

Today

Today...

I woke up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - as though something bad was going to happen. You see, sometimes I have dreams... and sometimes they really come true. Although this has only happened three times - it has been significant. For example, I dreamed the 35W bridge collapsed only a few days before it did. Not even kidding. So today when I woke up from a bad dream, it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Praise God that my dream didn't come true today, but it was the kind of start to a morning that I try to avoid. 

Today...

Someone told me who he would be seeing tonight. Upon hearing her name I felt as though the wind was knocked out of me. Literally. There I was, sitting in World Religions unable to do anything except try to breathe. Why? I surely did not expect that feeling upon hearing that. So there I go, pondering what that meant for the next hour and 55 minutes that I sat in class. And by the end of class I still had no idea why it had such an affect on me. Does that mean something? 

Today...

My aunt and cousin were in town and I got to hang out with them for the first time in years. It felt so nice. Definitely a refresher on the importance of family in my life. We went to Applebees for dinner, and then we thought we were going to watch a play. Upon arriving, I quickly noticed that this was not merely a play - but rather it was a dinner theatre fundraiser and there I was checking in my coat while I stood in jeans. I a) felt incredibly under dressed and b) could not imagine eating another bite let alone another plate of food! So there my cousin and I were, picking at our food pretending like we were eating. Definitely ate all the green beans and cheesecake, and tomorrow I will fast. 

Today...

God tugged even harder at my heart in regards to Canada. I just want to go. And the thing is, there is nothing holding me back. Sure, the conventional way to do things is finish the last 3 semesters that I have, get a job and start paying back school and THEN go to Canada to be at camp. However, my heart is there now. I can't even imagine having to wait that long. So tonight I explored the possibility of going in March. My lease is up at the end of February and lets face it - nobody needs roommates then. I could work full time for two months, and then go up in March. Maybe get a part time job at the new Starbucks in Dryden so I could have interaction with the community. And while we are facing facts - lets face another. Another reason keeping me in the comfort of my life here right now is friends and finding "the man." 

But let me clarify, please. I am in no hurry whatsoever to get married now. In fact, I do not want that at all. I've realized lately that I am far too independent to give up my freedom when I am 21, 2 weeks shy of being 22, years old. Forget that. I refuse to have to get permission from my husband to go out with my friends. I refuse to have him tell me that I can't spend my money on the things that I want too. I refuse to have a curfew. I refuse to be controlled at 22 years old. Mom keeps telling me that dad has never once done any of those four things to her, and that there is a guy out there who won't do those things to me, but thats a risk I'm not willing to take. I love my life now. I love freedom. I love being on my own. I just want someone to cuddle with during movies. Someone to laugh with. Someone to take me out to a movie and buy me roses. I am not looking for a ring on the finger, no matter how much I may joke about it. Because honestly, in the scheme of things I am 22 years old. 22. I have my entire life ahead of me, why on earth would I tie myself down now? I want to explore the world. Explore who I am. Do what I want, when I want. Therefore, this is not a marriage plea. But like I said.. lets face it. Camp is isolated - 45 minutes to the nearest town. That makes dating kind of hard. But if this is where God wants me at this moment of my life, then I want to go there and not look back. 

Today...

My eyes got opened a little more.

Today...

I learned something new about myself.

Today.

Doodles on my Christian Theology notes...

This numbing feeling

invades my body, going

from my head through

my heart, down to my toes.

Thoughts of you dash 

across my mind,

consuming my every thought.

I can see your smile,

I can hear your laugh.

Piercing pulsating stings

prick at my heart,

from the inside out.

Tug at my eyes.

Oh to hear your laugh

again, and to be the

reason for your smile.

Although I have yet to

fall in love with you, I

miss the thought of what could have been.

To know what it

feels like to be by your side.

To know what it feels like

to have your body so close to mine.

To lay into you and hear

your heart beating.

I wish I could turn

back the cruel hands of time,

I would hold you close and make you mine. 

The chase. Not sex.

One 4 year relationship, 4 big college crushes, and a few dates later . . . I think that I've finally got it figured out. 

You may have heard the phrase, "guys are after one thing and one thing only." Immediately after hearing this you roll your eyes and immediately think that the only thing they are after is sex. While I will not argue with that for a second, it has come to my attention that there is something bigger going on than just the issue of them wanting to see your pants on the floor. The thing that they are truly after - the chase.

This is how it works. 

Man meets woman. For those very few men out there who have not given themselves over to passivity - they start to pursue her. All of the sudden they are making themselves known by saying and doing sweet things for her. The woman starts to become interested, and after some time she develops feelings for him. All the while the man is clueless as to what he is doing to the heart of this woman. Suddenly her thoughts are consumed by him and she desires nothing more than to spend time with him. Laughing. Running errands. Watching movies. Talking on the phone. Holding hands. It doesn't matter to her what they are doing as long as they are together. The man seems to be reciprocating the feelings that she has for him, and she is confident that he is as into her as she is into him. Finally she can't contain her feelings any longer, and a DTR is on the horizon (for you non bridal colle.. I mean, Christian college students, a DTR means "define the relationship). 

... this is the part in the story where I'd like to stop. Put the book down and stop writing. Everything seems okay to her, in fact... she is hopeful that they will start dating soon. And why wouldn't she think that? He seems like his heart is in the same place as hers. But alas, I must continue ...

She conveys to him that she likes him and wants to be with him without even having to say a word. It's all in her actions. Finally they have the talk where they discuss their feelings for each other, and the minute that he finds out she wants to be with him - he is out the door so fast that you can barely see it happening. There he goes. Gone. 

There the poor girl is. Lost. Confused. Wondering what on earth she did wrong. Playing memories over in her head as though it's a silent black and white movie. Analyzing past conversations. Analyzing everything she did from the moment she met him until now. Her self confidence is vanishing with every day that goes by where he doesn't speak to her. What possibly could have gone wrong? I mean... he seemed like he wanted this too. He spoke of his feelings for her. How he missed her when they were apart. He promised to do things together in the future. He seemed to live in the moment. When he held her, she felt as though he really cared and nothing else in the world mattered at that moment. When he kissed her, she felt as though this was real. It was really going to happen... and then - it didn't. He's nowhere in sight. But when she does run across him again, he is out doing the exact same thing to another woman.. probably more than one at a time.

My lingering question is why. It's that simple. Why do guys repeatedly do this to women. I've seen it happen far to many times in the lives of my friends and even now in my own life. This is something that I just can not grasp. Maybe its the fact that I find it incredibly unfair that grips me. Or maybe its the numbing feeling in my heart when I think of this. Maybe its my shattered heart laying out before me and I have to pick up every piece and glue it back together while he is gone not having a care in the world. 

I have something to say (don't I always). This is not okay. Guys, if you are going to say sweet things to a woman - mean them. Make sure your actions match up with your words. Nothing hurts more than empty promises, even on little things. If you promise to take her somewhere, then you better do it. If you tell her that you missed her, then I sure hope you really did. And honestly, if you tell her that you like her - you better mean it. If you can't say things without truly meaning it or following through with your actions - then remain silent. Shut that mouth of yours. Words are the way to a woman's heart, not just to her pants. And please - if you are going to kiss her, there better be some feelings for her there. You don't even know how much it breaks a woman's heart to kiss a guy and then have him up and leave. It's almost as though we gave part of ourselves to you, even though it is a kiss. A kiss is not merely a kiss. There's so much emotion there. So if you do say things and kiss a woman - then you better be ready for a relationship, and don't get all mad at her when she starts to expect one. If you don't want to date her, then don't do these things. Its seriously that simple. 

Unspoken

I can't get you out of my head, and the thing is that I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. And for awhile it was working and you weren't entering my mind. But now, I can't escape it. And I don't understand. I want to understand. What is it about now? I hate how I drive by things that have memories attached to them.. memories I'm trying to forget. But every single time I see them, it jumps out at me. And then.. I start to think. About what once was. About what could have been. About what I perceived it to be. About you. I start to wonder how you are, and then I start to miss you. But I don't want too miss you. I want to just let it go, but I can't. I don't want to be the girl that cant just forget about it. My feelings were hurt. Questions have gone unanswered. Maybe I just need answers to finally let it go. I don't know. Oh how I wish I could just forget. Move on. And stop thinking. But now, those thoughts are entering my dreams. Vivid dreams. Dreams where I wake up and feel as though everything is different. Good. But then I realize that I'm laying in bed and it's time to get up, and thats when I realize that it's not reality. In my dreams it all makes sense. I hate waking up after you are in my dreams. I hate it. It makes me sad. And then I'm stuck thinking about it throughout the day. It's almost as though it's Gods way of torturing me. I want to jump into my dreams where it all is clear, where everything is okay. All I know is that lately whenever I see you, I want to kiss you. All of these emotions swirling around in my head, and I'd give anything to make it stop.

Oh Lord..

Oh Lord ... help us all.

Be with this country.

Guide us.

The leaders.

The people in power.

Help them.

Help us.

Where did we go so wrong.

Turn us around.

Face us back to you.

Lord.. help us all.

3:02 am

I want to know what this means.

To be so incredibly confident one minute,

and then second guessing all you once knew the next.

To have absolutely no idea what is going on.

Nothing to put your finger on.

Nothing showing you what is coming next.

Nothing to grab ahold of.

Its almost as if you are literally walking in the dark.

No clue what you are going to face.

Or where you are going.

Where the journey ends.

What journey am I even on?

The one I thought I was on has wavered.

Now I'm here.

Where is this going?

Can't I just reach out and walk on both?

Do I have to pick just one?

And do I have to choose now?

Why is this even happening?

Its so silly.

So trivial.

Yet so incredibly predictable.

Maybe I didnt have it all together after all.

Maybe I was wrong.

Again.

Why today?

Why not earlier before I got myself here?

I just want to shut my eyes and count to ten.

To forget.

To find some reason to replace it.

Any reason.

I desire to go back to the time before this came flooding in.

A simple time.

When my world was black and white.

My heart.

It knew.

Oh, did it ever.

And now there are shades of grey everywhere.

God, are you seeing this?

Are you even here right now?

Take away the clutter.

Let me just see.

Make sense of this for me, because I cant.

I don't understand.

I don't need too.

I want too.

I want to know.

My mind is twirling.

My heart is pleading for this to slow down.

The past.

The future.

The in between.

The unknown.

The beauty of once was.

All I want to do is run.

Run far.

Block it out.

Find a place to hide.

To forget.

I can't.

I have to face it.

I don't want too.

Its 3:02 AM and I just want to sleep. 

Me Time

What is it about coffeeshops that calm your soul? The deepest part of you. The parts that you didn't even know existed. There is something so mysterious, so simple, so obvious about the beauty of it. The tranquility. The way that everything can be going wrong, but once you walk in and take in your first sip - it all fades away. The people are so comforting. Conversations with strangers are so easy. Flowing. "Oh, I've had that before! Good choice.." Or "well, if you like the white chocolate mocha you may not like that. Its bitter." Phrases like these are so common while waiting at the register. The people behind the counter are so friendly. You have that bond. That bond within the powers of caffiene. A smile from a stranger can say a thousand words. Everyone is indulging in their own escape. Reading a book. Laughing at the computer screen. Writing a note. Playing a cardgame. People watching. Listening to the conversations around you. The jazz music starts. The classical music will soon begin. One by one, people begin to leave. The sound of the steamer fills the air. The fireplace is going. The sky is grey. It is cold outside, but my heart is warm. It is refreshed. I'm letting everything go. Letting down all of my guards. Relaxing. Nothing can bother me when I am within the walls of this place. Numbing feelings aren't there anymore. Everything in my life is suddenly on hold, even if for just these few moments. Anything else can wait. When I finally take in my first sip, I close my eyes and breathe it all in. Here I am. Away from it all. In a place where people understad. I can dream. I can hope. I can wish. I can journal out all of my confusing emotions that are pulling my heartstrings in a million different directions. I can laugh with friends. I can be myself. I can be silly. I can make a first impression, or I can improve lasting ones. This is why I love coffeeshops so much. Its personal. Its dear to my heart. Its not just that coffee in itself is a wonderful thing, but its the coffeeshop experience that makes it all worth it.

Shower Diseases

Starbucks has been calm most of the night, until now. I was sitting here all comfortable lost in a book when I became horribly distracted by these girls that came and just had to sit right next to me. Why couldn’t they have sat across the room - nobody else is here. Finally I couldn’t ignore what they were saying any longer, so I’m taking a time out to write about this absolutely ridiculous observation...

These girls are sitting behind me talking away in their annoying snotty voices, complaining about everything and thinking they are cooler than 99.9% everyone that has the privilege of walking in their presence. Just a few seconds ago they were talking about how they would never, ever think about not wearing sandals in the shower. According to them, it is absolutely nasty. One girl, the brunette I believe - she’s been doing a majority of the talking, specifically said that she wouldn’t do that because “you can get so many diseases from that.” I almost laughed out loud. Seriously. This coming from the girl who is probably sleeping with half of the senior guys at her school. Are you kidding me right now. Does she have any idea how many diseases she can get every time she takes her pants off? Pretty sure thats far worse than anything she could possibly even dream of getting from a shower stall full of hair, probably from her precious head. Honestly. I do not understand. My skin is literally crawling as I hear this constant chatter back and forth. It’s all so snotty. The brunette, we shall call her Brittney, was talking bout how her side of the room is “cool” but her roommates is “not.” Those were the exact words that came from her mouth. Who says that? Just because her roommate doesn’t have the same taste in decorating as her does not justify her being “weird.” Does she really know what she is talking about? The girl probably has way more important things to invest her time into than “making her room look “cool.” Their voices are piercing my ears. Now they are talking about when their parents come they wish their other roommates would disappear so that they could have the entire place to themselves. To remedy this, the blonde got her parents a hotel room last time they came. Is that seriously necessary when the room is free? “We are looking for applications.. so spread the word.. but only to certain people. *snotty giggle*” They need one more girl. Apparently they need another girl to live with them. Who in their right mind would want to live with them. Oh and now, we are comparing and contrasting the thought of living in a party house. Apparently they don’t want to live in a party home because they want to bring their own furniture and don’t want to pick up beer cans every morning. I don’t know what it is, but something in their voices just makes me want to pull my hair out. Typical “valley.girl.I’m.better.than.you”. We are in college now, I think its time to grow up. Seriously. 

Back to my book I go...