Tears on my steering wheel

I spent a little extra time getting ready this morning. My make up and outfit were as perfect as I could humanly get it, in fact.. I even plucked my eyebrows. I did all of this just incase I were to see you today. As I pulled into the school I just had that twinge in my stomach that I was going to see you. Instinctively I glanced in the rearview mirror and practiced the face that I would give you incase this were to happen. The goal of "the face" was to show you that you hurt me deeply, and I wanted to convey this without saying a single word. I parked my car and stepped out into the bitter cold with you on my mind. Trying to figure out why I still think of you, and why I just can't seem to let it go no matter how hard I try. As I walked across campus to the place where I would sit and write my paper that was due in two hours I kept my eye out... for you. You were nowhere in sight. I breathed in a sigh of relief, but for some reason I yearned to see you. I took out my laptop and planner and sprawled out across the table as I tried earnestly to get this assignment done. Glances at the clock. Watching the time go by.  Then it became time for me to head down the hallway to pick up a friend on the way to camping ministry class, the class that you once had.. the one thing that attracted me to you the most. And then... it happened. As I turned the corner I saw you. Right there. You spoke to me, the first words that you have spoken to me since Christmas. Inside I froze. I heard you say the words "hey Jess" and all I could do was give you a look. A blank look. Even I couldn't figure out what that look meant. You hurt me. You really, really hurt me. I wanted you to know that. Time stood still and my legs literally became numb. They tingled. I was lost in my own world completely oblivious to what was going on around me. I sat down at the computer to print off my assignment and I felt the sting in my eye - the sting that signals the beginning of tears. Why? Why am I starting to cry? This is not fair. I am over it - I kept saying that over and over in my head. Why did he call me Jess? He doesn't have that right anymore, I am now Jessica to him. Why is he being nice to me? Why can't he just leave me alone! I began to get so frustrated. Just when I think that I am over everything he made me feel, he does something like this. I'd almost rather have him ignore me, because when he's nice to me... it makes me wonder. Wonder if he's coming around. Wondering why he was so hot and cold before. Wondering if things would ever be different. Deep down I know I don't want that, deep down I know I need to let it go. I was lost in my own world, and then there I was sitting in class. My professor even noticed that something was bothering me and mentioned to the whole class that I was in deep thought. If she only knew. How could two simple meaningless words cause me to become so lost in thought? After class I ended up sending him a text apologizing for not saying anything, and then there he goes being all nice to me... he told me to have a good day. Meaningless and small, right? Typically yes, but today... it opened back up a whole world of thought inside of me. So there I was. Walking out to my car with my tears streaming down my face. The moment I sat down I lost it, and I sat there and bawled all over my steering wheel. I couldn't stop. Why? What made me cry? I think I know. I think I know why... I need answers. After everything I've felt these past few months, I have no answers. All I have is the fact that he has a girlfriend and I am stuck wondering what happened. I thought I'd feel better about myself if I was all dolled up and cute when I saw you today... but I feel the opposite.