409 miles

Tomorrow I get to hop in the car and head to my favorite place on earth, minus my parents house, and that is camp. Canada. I love it there. I love the people and the feeling of being right where I belong. I know who I am when I am there. Everything is clear. Not only can I leave all of my stress and worry behind, but I can find room for my soul to breathe. Theres something so beautiful about being surrounded some of the people that I care most about while being out in the middle of nowhere. No cell phones ringing. No facebook to check. No appointments or meetings to be at. No worrying about seeing him that day. Just me. Right where I belong. My thoughts make sense. My feelings are all clear. But you see, just for that reason I am scared. Scared because I spent three entire months at that same place hoping and waiting for him. I would walk around camp and get a ridiculously giddy smile on my face as I thought of him. Tomorrow night I'm going to sleep in the very same bed that I once laid in and stayed up late listening to songs on my ipod that reminded me of him. I didn't just think about him all summer - I prayed for him too. Prayed that the Lord would stretch and grow him. Pray that whatever we had before we left would be there when I got back. And then - I came home, and it was shattered. It wasn't what I thought it was. He wasn't who I thought he was. And although I know this, I still hold out hope. I just want him to be the person that I thought he was. I want him to be sweet to me like he was before I left for the summer. Why is everything spun around and so incredibly different? I hate it. I don't want to keep thinking about what could have been. I don't want to keep wondering if I should give him another chance. So tomorrow... I'm going to get in my car. I'll be on the road for 409 miles. For 409 miles, I'm going to be thinking of you, whether I want to or not.

You're not sorry

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before 
You’re not sorry no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cause its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no noo ooh
You’re not sorry no no noo ooh

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before

Snowflakes and Coffee

The snow is falling outside. I've been sitting in this same spot at Starbucks since noon - it's time for a break. My hand is going to fall off from writing out my 9 page, front and back, study guide for Christian Theology. I've been watching the traffic on 36 creep along so slowly for the past few hours, there were times it was at a standstill. I'm just thankful I'm not stuck in traffic somewhere, and instead I'm sitting at one of my favorite places. The snow is beautiful. It ignites the desire in me to go ice skating - especially when its snowing. With a cute boy. And with that thought, back to studying I go...

When I heard this song on the radio, I stopped...

Don't hang up,
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like im lost.
What went wrong?
what made you go?
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me
Im unchangeable

When did we
Fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
Its only you
I was blind
Such a fool
Thinking we
Were unbreakable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful.

Ive been told
Whats done is done
To let it go
And carry on
And deep inside
I know that's true
Im stuck in time
Im stuck on you
We were still untouchable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Wake up, wake up, wake up
Cuz im only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now

Because we're much better
All together
Can't let go.

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

By: Leslie Roy

Night like this

It's the nights like these that are hard. The ones where I am frantically running around the house baking brownies, putting on make up, and putting some hair spray in my hair. The smell of my perfume overtakes my room. I can't find my shoes. I begin to walk around the house getting everything that I need, crossing things off out loud as I go through my list. Brownies, check. Christmas present, check. Camera, check. White elephant gift, shoot... I still need one. I glance at the clock and I'm running behind. I grab the first thing I can think of - Sensual aroma therapy body wash from the shower and a stain stick from my basket with all of the laundry supplies in it. This will do. Grab some Target sacks and stuff the Starbucks bag as though it is tissue paper. Find my coat and scarf and begin to put those on. I'm missing something. Oh, the brownies. They are still warm from the oven, so I have to grab a few hand towels to carry them to the car. My arms are full. My hair is perfect somehow, and I smell good. I fumble my way to the car and get everything in place. It's cold. Really cold. Somehow I love Minnesota and I hate the bitter cold, but thats a topic for another day. One of my favorite songs is playing on the radio, and so inevitably I turn it up. I'm impatient, so a few seconds later I put the car in reverse and speed out of the parking lot. But as I'm driving, I get to thinking. The place I am going is full of my friends whom I love and adore. However, most of them are either engaged or married. And then there is me. Of course I am not the only one there who isn't in a relationship, but for some reason I feel the pressure tonight more than ever. Why? I am not in a hurry to get married, seriously. But what is it about the Christmas season that makes it even harder to not be with someone? So I get there, and the night is full of laughter and fun - as I knew it would be. I adore my friendships. But then it's time for me to head home, to an empty apartment. I walk in the door and throw my stuff down on the floor. Put some dishes in the dishwasher. Wash my face. Refuse to take my hair down because it actually looks surprisingly good for once and even though nobody can see it, I know it looks good. I put on my new nighty. Nighties are one of my favorite things. A woman can never have too many. However, this one particular is amazing. It's new, so of course it has that "new" feel. It makes me feel like a woman. I walk past my mirror on the way out to the living room and suddenly I stop. Begin to stare. Begin to wish. Wish that on a night like tonight I could have gone to this party with someone and had someone to come home with. Someone to wear this for. Someone. It's nights like tonight that make me wish I were not alone.

I honestly believed in you

People told me to run.

I listened.

There I tied my shoes and got ready.

I headed out the door.

Breathed in a huge sigh of relief.

Looked at the horizon.

Hung my head in sadness.

Took off.

I left you there.

In the kitchen.

I left before you had a chance to know I was leaving.

My heart was shattered before you.

For that, I am sorry.

I let him ruin me. 

He stole the very essence of who I am.

Everything that I had.

My trust was broken.

Competely. 

Vanished into a midst from all the tears that I cried.

I tried to tell you this.

You didn't fully understand.

I needed you too.

I needed you to take my hand.

Pull me in.

Hold me close in your arms.

Sweep the hair out of my face.

Dry my tears.

I needed you.

I never allowed myself to really fall for someone.

And then came you.

Out of nowhere.

You fell in my lap.

You had me from the moment my blue eyes met your brown eyes. 

I wanted to know more.

When I did, I wanted to fall.

Fall into you.

I saw so much potential in you.

You were everything that I thought I wanted.

I slowly began giving you pieces of my shattered heart.

Something suddenly didn't feel right.

I felt like you didn't care.

In the morning I would wake up with mascara on my pillow.

In order to protect myself from another broken heart,

I ran.

I ran before I thought I cared about you.

But I was wrong.

Because now here I am.

And I miss you.

I wish I didn't push you out so fast.

But I did.

All because I was scared.

Damn it.

I don't want to be scared.

I just want you to prove me wrong.

To be the one to show me that there is someone out there who can treat me right.

I don't know why it hurts to bad.

I don't know why its so hard for me to just let it go.

I think I know...

I honestly believed in you.

I am dragging my feet.

Closing my eyes.

Grabbing onto anything along the way that could possibly slow this down.

I'm looking away.

But I keep moving.

Closer.

Closer to the one place I don't want to be.