On my way!

So I wanted to leave town today around noon and I definitely didn't get on the highway until four in the afternoon. Thankfully mom called Macy's and sweet talked them into getting rid of my $60 worth of late fees and other random fees bringing my current balance down to $0. Perfect. Then I ended up taking back three shirts to Maurices. This was a love sacrifice because it was hard for me to hand them over. However, I'd rather have the $54 open up on my credit card to put towards gas. Gas for this trip. Made a last minute stop by Tan World and baked myself for 10 extremely long and sweaty minutes. Finally, I was on the road. In order to save money I refused to turn on the air conditioning. Then it hit. I found myself at a standstill in Cedar Rapids Iowa on the interstate. Since when does traffic happen here? It doesn't. Apparently the highways were buckling because of the heat. How insane is that! I witnessed it for myself. So there I was sitting at a standstill with cars all around me and my windows rolled down and sweat rolling down from under my sunglasses. It was not a pretty moment. But I didn't care. I refused to turn on the air. I just with that Jesus would have decided to cause some sort of wind at that moment because there was none. Not a single small breeze. About half way to the Cities I noticed that my left arm was starting to burn but I thought that was strange because nothing else seemed to be fried. Well, the sun didn't move. I didn't change direction. And there was not a single cloud in site. Perfect. Now half of my body is red and the other side is brown. Just perfect. 

It felt so good to pull into the Cities. I love it here. Of course the first place I went was Starbucks where I was greeted by Hafsa who was sweet enough to buy me coffee. Venti iced carmel macchiato. Mmmm. We caught up a bit and caused the usual chaos with our usual barista friends and then headed over to Panera where Chris gave us free bagels and parfaits. I tell you one thing, to anyone (ahem my parents) who said that it was impossible for me to make this trip right now because I am the poorest I have ever been better just be quiet because so far I have spent zero dollars on anything but gas :) What can I say? My friends are great. And Philips house is like a sauna. I'm headed to bed.

Nite.

Might as well be Canadian

I'm procrastinating. As usual. I should be packing, and well... I've started. I've managed to lay out around 13 outfits for a 6 day trip neatly on my bed. I've showered. But now I just can't get myself motivated to finish packing even though I am so excited to head to Canada. This happens every time I go. Wait til the last minute to start packing then I'm rushing around the house like a crazy person. Oh well. 

I have a huge feeling that once I get to Canada tomorrow that I'm not going to wanna come back. It's going to take everything I have to get in the car and come home at the end of the week. I just love it there. The people. My friends. The simplicity. The vastness. Even the bears. I just love everything about it. 

Might as well be Canadian. 

A wedding or the single life?

Bethany and I have been friends ever since we were born - literally. In fact, the only time I didn't know her was the one month and a day that I was alive and she was still in the womb. We spent afternoons laying on blankets together when we were babies. Then we moved up to play dough and shoving our faces full of marsh mellows. Barbies were followed shortly after that and I promise you that we had every Barbie accessory known to man. The moral of the story is we have walked through almost every phase of life together - including now. 

Just the other night Beth and I were having coffee and our conversation quickly went to talking about relationships and men. Suddenly it dawned on me that we are in a strange phase of in our lives right now. We both go to private Christian schools, so inevitably we are bombarded with couples announcing engagements and planning weddings. On the other hand, we also have our groups of friends who enjoy going out on the weekends and having girls nights. The single life. This got me thinking... what do I want right now? A ring on my finger or a night out on my own with my friends? 

Now if you know me really well, you know that I tend to be anti-marriage. Sometimes I just don't think that I honestly believe in it. Don't get me wrong, my parents have the best marriage that I have ever seen. And if someday I do get married I pray that my marriage would reflect that of my parents. But I also see affairs happening all of the time even in the lives of my extended family. I am terrified of being cheated on. Downright terrified. I am also terrified of marrying the wrong person. Besides having the nightmare that I don't like my engagement ring, I also have the nightmare that I end up at the alter not knowing for sure if this is the right man. If those two things aren't enough, I also have the fear of being controlled in a relationship. I refuse to have to get permission from my husband to spend my money on a cup of coffee, or get permission to go out with the girls at night, or have him tell me what time I have to be home by. I just simply refuse. My mom reassures me that marriage isn't and shouldn't be like that, and that my dad has never once done that to her... but nonetheless I get scared. I'm a very loving person but I am also incredibly fiercely independent (minus the fact that right now I'm living at home, hah!). 

To the single girl living in the middle of both of these ever so clashing worlds - what is she to think? To feel? To want? What is considered normal and what is not? 

Obviously my desire is to someday be a wife and mom to four beautiful children, but what is my desire for right now? I mean... I'm probably going to graduate from Northwestern without a fiance, does that make me abnormal? Oh goodness. Can you see the ridiculousness of this all! Who in the world has the right to dictate what one should feel, especially at such a young age. I wish I could erase all of the pressure that students at Christian colleges subconsciously face. It's flat out ridiculous. I hate it. 

This is my conclusion. 

I am only 22 years old. Twenty-two! Right now I want to just sit back and enjoy being a beautiful single woman in my twenties. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Embrace singleness. Smile at a cute guy when he walks by, and smile at the next one I see only moments later. I am single. I am free to talk to whoever I want. Flirt with whoever I want. Go out with the girls and dance the night away whenever I want. Obviously I am not saying that a single woman in her twenties should go out and sleep with whoever - but they should be able to have fun getting to know any guy that they want and flirt a little if they feel like it. 

I am in my twenties. I don't want to be married right now. I want to enjoy where I am at. Heck, I can get in my car tomorrow and go wherever I wanted if I so chose. I love that. And I love where I am right now.

Wedding... you can come some other day. For now, I want the life of singleness. 

Goodnight.

I Don't Hook Up

I fall deep.... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q62pOio7PaY

I've Got the Joy. No.. no I don't.

As I started to think of a title for this note that is about to contain my thoughts in the form of words that hopefully blend together and make some sort of sense... a song came to mind. I've got the joy. Is that even the real name of the song? Does that song even have a specific name?All I know is that we sing this song at camp a lot and I can't even tell you how many times I catch myself falling asleep to the hum of that song in my head. It's a very simple song, and if you haven't heard it this is how it goes: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart Down in my heart to stay Pretty simple, eh? (and I know for all of you Camp of the Woods summer staff you were dying to bust out the motions as you read the lyrics, ha) But the thing is... I don't. I don't have the joy. It's gone. A few months ago, okay so more like five but who is counting... I can honestly say that I was the most joyful that I've probably ever been. Everything was great. I don't think there was a single thing that I would have changed. In fact, I can vividly remember phone calls with my mom where I'd be driving home from something talking about how much I loved my life right now. Even the small things. I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. You know what... I was. Wanna know why? Because my relationship with God was as close and genuine as it had ever been. Ever. And now as I lay here on the couch with the country music video channel playing on the TV beside me with the sound turned all the way down and my dog whining in the room next to me I can tell you that I feel so far away from Him... and I don't care like I know that I should. Deep down I truly do care, but on the surface and in the forefront of my mind it just seems so hard. My passion is gone. My joy has been stripped away. How in the world do I go from feeling the closest to God that I ever have in my entire life to feeling so incredibly far away in that short amount of time? And why is it such a struggle for me to even care that I have become this way. I'm tired of living in complacency where Christians are expected to put on their fake little smiles and answer "oh I'm just great" every time someone asks what is wrong. It is my wonderful professor and friend, Mrs. Payne (and yes.. she is a pain with how much she assigns us to read!), who once told me that it is okay to not be okay. I know, trust me I realize how simple that sounds and how that should be common sense. But to the woman, especially the Christian woman, we have it in our minds that we always have to be okay. After all, we have Jesus right? Of course we do. But that does not mean that we are always going to truly be alright. So instead of me embracing this feeling of distance between myself and God, I ignore it. I push it away. Pretend it's not there. I just keep going about my business all the while making the gap much larger. Because how can a woman who has been a Christian all of her life and is going to school for ministry be expected to not have an amazing relationship with God 100% of the time? ...I'm human? Yes. I am. I'm tired of pretending. Pretending that I don't notice what is going on. Pretending to everyone's faces that I am fine when I know I'm not. Pretending to have it all together, because I don't. Right now I'm not okay and I choose to embrace that in order to get out of this place of emptiness. I just want my joy back...

Miss Independent

Miss independent 
Miss self-sufficient 
Miss keep your distance, mmmm 

Miss unafraid 
Miss out of my way 
Miss don't let a man interfere, no 

Miss on her own 
Miss almost grown 
Miss never let a man help her off her throne