409 miles

Tomorrow I get to hop in the car and head to my favorite place on earth, minus my parents house, and that is camp. Canada. I love it there. I love the people and the feeling of being right where I belong. I know who I am when I am there. Everything is clear. Not only can I leave all of my stress and worry behind, but I can find room for my soul to breathe. Theres something so beautiful about being surrounded some of the people that I care most about while being out in the middle of nowhere. No cell phones ringing. No facebook to check. No appointments or meetings to be at. No worrying about seeing him that day. Just me. Right where I belong. My thoughts make sense. My feelings are all clear. But you see, just for that reason I am scared. Scared because I spent three entire months at that same place hoping and waiting for him. I would walk around camp and get a ridiculously giddy smile on my face as I thought of him. Tomorrow night I'm going to sleep in the very same bed that I once laid in and stayed up late listening to songs on my ipod that reminded me of him. I didn't just think about him all summer - I prayed for him too. Prayed that the Lord would stretch and grow him. Pray that whatever we had before we left would be there when I got back. And then - I came home, and it was shattered. It wasn't what I thought it was. He wasn't who I thought he was. And although I know this, I still hold out hope. I just want him to be the person that I thought he was. I want him to be sweet to me like he was before I left for the summer. Why is everything spun around and so incredibly different? I hate it. I don't want to keep thinking about what could have been. I don't want to keep wondering if I should give him another chance. So tomorrow... I'm going to get in my car. I'll be on the road for 409 miles. For 409 miles, I'm going to be thinking of you, whether I want to or not.