Bethany and I have been friends ever since we were born - literally. In fact, the only time I didn't know her was the one month and a day that I was alive and she was still in the womb. We spent afternoons laying on blankets together when we were babies. Then we moved up to play dough and shoving our faces full of marsh mellows. Barbies were followed shortly after that and I promise you that we had every Barbie accessory known to man. The moral of the story is we have walked through almost every phase of life together - including now.
Just the other night Beth and I were having coffee and our conversation quickly went to talking about relationships and men. Suddenly it dawned on me that we are in a strange phase of in our lives right now. We both go to private Christian schools, so inevitably we are bombarded with couples announcing engagements and planning weddings. On the other hand, we also have our groups of friends who enjoy going out on the weekends and having girls nights. The single life. This got me thinking... what do I want right now? A ring on my finger or a night out on my own with my friends?
Now if you know me really well, you know that I tend to be anti-marriage. Sometimes I just don't think that I honestly believe in it. Don't get me wrong, my parents have the best marriage that I have ever seen. And if someday I do get married I pray that my marriage would reflect that of my parents. But I also see affairs happening all of the time even in the lives of my extended family. I am terrified of being cheated on. Downright terrified. I am also terrified of marrying the wrong person. Besides having the nightmare that I don't like my engagement ring, I also have the nightmare that I end up at the alter not knowing for sure if this is the right man. If those two things aren't enough, I also have the fear of being controlled in a relationship. I refuse to have to get permission from my husband to spend my money on a cup of coffee, or get permission to go out with the girls at night, or have him tell me what time I have to be home by. I just simply refuse. My mom reassures me that marriage isn't and shouldn't be like that, and that my dad has never once done that to her... but nonetheless I get scared. I'm a very loving person but I am also incredibly fiercely independent (minus the fact that right now I'm living at home, hah!).
To the single girl living in the middle of both of these ever so clashing worlds - what is she to think? To feel? To want? What is considered normal and what is not?
Obviously my desire is to someday be a wife and mom to four beautiful children, but what is my desire for right now? I mean... I'm probably going to graduate from Northwestern without a fiance, does that make me abnormal? Oh goodness. Can you see the ridiculousness of this all! Who in the world has the right to dictate what one should feel, especially at such a young age. I wish I could erase all of the pressure that students at Christian colleges subconsciously face. It's flat out ridiculous. I hate it.
This is my conclusion.
I am only 22 years old. Twenty-two! Right now I want to just sit back and enjoy being a beautiful single woman in my twenties. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Embrace singleness. Smile at a cute guy when he walks by, and smile at the next one I see only moments later. I am single. I am free to talk to whoever I want. Flirt with whoever I want. Go out with the girls and dance the night away whenever I want. Obviously I am not saying that a single woman in her twenties should go out and sleep with whoever - but they should be able to have fun getting to know any guy that they want and flirt a little if they feel like it.
I am in my twenties. I don't want to be married right now. I want to enjoy where I am at. Heck, I can get in my car tomorrow and go wherever I wanted if I so chose. I love that. And I love where I am right now.
Wedding... you can come some other day. For now, I want the life of singleness.
Goodnight.
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