I've Got the Joy. No.. no I don't.

As I started to think of a title for this note that is about to contain my thoughts in the form of words that hopefully blend together and make some sort of sense... a song came to mind. I've got the joy. Is that even the real name of the song? Does that song even have a specific name?All I know is that we sing this song at camp a lot and I can't even tell you how many times I catch myself falling asleep to the hum of that song in my head. It's a very simple song, and if you haven't heard it this is how it goes: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart Down in my heart to stay Pretty simple, eh? (and I know for all of you Camp of the Woods summer staff you were dying to bust out the motions as you read the lyrics, ha) But the thing is... I don't. I don't have the joy. It's gone. A few months ago, okay so more like five but who is counting... I can honestly say that I was the most joyful that I've probably ever been. Everything was great. I don't think there was a single thing that I would have changed. In fact, I can vividly remember phone calls with my mom where I'd be driving home from something talking about how much I loved my life right now. Even the small things. I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. You know what... I was. Wanna know why? Because my relationship with God was as close and genuine as it had ever been. Ever. And now as I lay here on the couch with the country music video channel playing on the TV beside me with the sound turned all the way down and my dog whining in the room next to me I can tell you that I feel so far away from Him... and I don't care like I know that I should. Deep down I truly do care, but on the surface and in the forefront of my mind it just seems so hard. My passion is gone. My joy has been stripped away. How in the world do I go from feeling the closest to God that I ever have in my entire life to feeling so incredibly far away in that short amount of time? And why is it such a struggle for me to even care that I have become this way. I'm tired of living in complacency where Christians are expected to put on their fake little smiles and answer "oh I'm just great" every time someone asks what is wrong. It is my wonderful professor and friend, Mrs. Payne (and yes.. she is a pain with how much she assigns us to read!), who once told me that it is okay to not be okay. I know, trust me I realize how simple that sounds and how that should be common sense. But to the woman, especially the Christian woman, we have it in our minds that we always have to be okay. After all, we have Jesus right? Of course we do. But that does not mean that we are always going to truly be alright. So instead of me embracing this feeling of distance between myself and God, I ignore it. I push it away. Pretend it's not there. I just keep going about my business all the while making the gap much larger. Because how can a woman who has been a Christian all of her life and is going to school for ministry be expected to not have an amazing relationship with God 100% of the time? ...I'm human? Yes. I am. I'm tired of pretending. Pretending that I don't notice what is going on. Pretending to everyone's faces that I am fine when I know I'm not. Pretending to have it all together, because I don't. Right now I'm not okay and I choose to embrace that in order to get out of this place of emptiness. I just want my joy back...